She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
