I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
