as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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