dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
