Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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