So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
