life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
