i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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