You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
