Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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