Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
