she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
