Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
