apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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