If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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