Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
