Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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