you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
