I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
