wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
