I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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