the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
