Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
