Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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