My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The adults are the big ones right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
