Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
