I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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