Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
