I heard we made out
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
