New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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