he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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