my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
