After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
