So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
