Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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