i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
