don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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