Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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