my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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