im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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