she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
