HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
