you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
