Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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