apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Im part way to drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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