if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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