WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
