Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
