I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
