I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
